You and me

You're a fool for breaking me.
You're a fool for calling me your baby doll.
You're an even bigger fool for treating me like a baby doll.
I'm a fool for letting you.
I'm a fool for wearing the jewelry you gave me.
You're a fool for making me yours in the first place.
I'm a fool for not moving on.
I'm a fool for trying.
You're a fool for letting me go.
You're a fool for loving me.
I'm a fool for believing it.
You and me. We fooled me.

Stink Bug

Stink Bug, where you going?
Stink Bug on the Wall, what are you doing?
Stink Bug on the Green Bathroom Wall, do you observe me as much as I observe you?
Stink Bug, why did you stop moving? Are you dying?
Stink Bug on the Wall, will you fulfill your purpose in your remaining hours, or days?
Stink Bug on the Green Bathroom Wall by the Ceiling, you kinda match my shower curtain.
Stink Bug, do you hear the second song in a row that reminds me of him?
Stink Bug on My Wall, why are you here?
Stink Bug on My Green Bathroom Wall, is it hot up there by the ceiling? Does the steam from my shower bother you?
Stink Bug, are you dead?
You're kind of ugly.
Big Daddy Stink Bug, do you remember that time five minutes ago when you were walking along my wall? I do.
I think you're dead. Please don't come in my bedroom tonight.
I see that you just moved again.
Stink Bug on My Green Bathroom Wall by the White Ceiling above the Window, I'm leaving the bathroom now because I've realized I'm crazy for talking to you.
Goodbye.

Keep Watching Me Fail.

Applying for jobs is a brutal task. Many of you know this. Searching for a job is a full time job in itself. Today, I applied for a job at the athletic club where I worked after highschool. It's part time and close to my parents' house.

Standing in the shower with warm water hitting my skull and loud music and steam filling the small room, I had a very important change of attitude. I remembered that I'm going to succeed, I remembered that I have a lot of potential and will make it very far in my life. Oh, and by the way, I won't be piddling around here forever in my parents' house. Right, that's so true, I will grow up sometime.

I was proud of this moment. I renewed my motivation and I believe myself to be more ready to hit the job hunt hard and with no relent. I am curious to see how my life will turn for the better in the future. Until then, watch me fail and fail and fail. And keep watching, because I'm going to keep trying and it's going to pay off.

Ride on a Tractor. CHECK. Set off Fireworks. CHECK.

These did not happen on the same night, but they did happen at the same location. I owe a great big thanks to the one person who made both of these possible. Never did he know about my list until after the fireworks were spent.

I rode on a tractor about a month ago with a coworker. He drove the tractor and I sat on the wheel well and held on tightly to the driver. Exaggeration. Romance was absent. I feared I would freeze my buns off because it was a very cold night and his lack of interest in me is not warming.

Last night at the orchard, employees gathered for a bonfire and we enjoyed adult beverages, the crisp air of an autumn evening, and each others' entertaining company. The aforementioned coworker brought with him some fireworks. I asked if I could set them off. He allowed for it. Immediately after I returned his lighter, I remembered that I had a list of things to do and, in fact, he had helped me cross off TWO items. I told him that he had now helped me cross of two things from my list. Not knowing anything about my list or what the first item had been, he began to question me. Very mysteriously, I refused to answer his questions. Instead I simply thanked him.

Spanish Lesson. (Lesson in Spanish)

I'm "practicing my Spanish" at work with the older of the two Mexicans that share my workspace at the orchard.

A week ago, he could see I was preoccupied by something on my mind. He told me I think too much.
Probably true.

Today, a slow day at the orchard due to the rain, he and I chatted. Very difficult. Spanglish. Broken sentences. Broken words. Talking about a broken heart. (My broken heart, to be specific.) "Mi amor..." "No more." That's how clear it is. I stopped to consume the simplicity of this phrase. "Mi amor. No more." Maybe it's beautiful because it's simple. Maybe it's beautiful because it's English, it's Spanish, and it rhymes.

We continued to talk and he tells me to forget it. "No es facil," I say. (it's not easy.) And he tells me I have to say "No me importa" (don't matter to me). Any ideas communicated between us must be repeated and repeated. So he says "he come. no me importa! he leave. no me importa! no me importa! I don't care! doesn't matter! no me importa!"

Get a Job. CHECK

I work at Milburn Orchards. The sweetest fall place I never had to imagine because I've been visiting this location ever since I was too young to spit the cherry pits any farther than my chin. Best known for their apples, apple cider, apple cider donuts, Milburn Orchards is the apple headquarters of my life. Caramel covered. Apple dumplings. Apple pie. Crisp mix. Apple butter. Etc. Yummy yummy yummy. Ya'll know how I feel about EVERYTHING apple.

Current favorite apple: Honey Crisp.

Aside from all glorious things apple, I enjoy the companionship of several coworkers, none of whom are in the same life phase as I am. Thank goodness.
 I've been designated by a few as a "floater" what they mean by that is the following: I am capable of doing a greater variety of tasks than most because I have been trained as such. I control inventory in the back room. I help customers with merchandise questions. I run the register. I sweep floors and mop them. Am I too cool for that? Absolutely not. Two shifts this week will be in one position. The other three will be in another position. Oh yeah, I get 33 hours this week. WIN!

Do I really enjoy my job so far? YES
Do they pay me what I'm worth? Who cares? They haven't actually paid me any money yet ;) but my worth isn't bought with cash anyway.

...Off to work!

Lyrics. Kenny Chesney. I Remember.

I'm sittin here alone,
Thoughts of you run wild
I'm longin for your touch,
Haunted by your smile
No use in tryin to erase,
No one could ever take your place

Chorus:
I remember how it used to feel
back when our love was strong and real
And I remember tears in your eyes
And I looked at you, you said goodbye
All I want right now is to foget
Every single thing that I regret
And drown out these embers..but I remember

It's yesterday again
Here inside my mind
And I can't find a way
to leave your love behind
I wanna wake up to the day
Your memory won't stand in my way

Chorus:
Well I remember how it used to feel
back when our love was strong and real
And I remember tears in your eyes
As I looked at you, you said goodbye
All I want right now is to forget
Every single thing that I regret
And drown out these embers..but I remember

Well I wanna wake up to the day
Your memory won't stand in my way

Well I remember how it used to feel
Back when our lovve was strong and real
And I remember tears in your eyes
As I looked at you, you said goodbye
All I want right now is to forget
Every single thing that I regret
And drown out these embers..but I remember
And I remember..
Oh I remember ya baby...
All of you my baby

Ride a Motorcycle. CHECK.

Wind in my face. Solace blew through my heavy head like a light breeze. Peace was settling on the surface of my skull as I took in the sights. Lean left. Look over my uncle's shoulder. Lean right. Look over my uncle's shoulder. What's that sound? Scraping the floorboards on the turns. Where are we? New York. Mountains. Lakes. New Jersey. Back roads. No yellow lines. The air is cooler as we pass the thick pine trees. Not cold. My butt hurts. Not enough cushioning on this seat. Three hours. The sunshine is so warm. Four hours. I wonder what time it is. Not one minute is the same. A piercing memory slips in the back of my mind. It's so vivid. I rest my leather-gloved hands on the saddle bags. There were no other thoughts in my mind just moments ago. It's too real. Lift my arms to cut through the air. I don't cry. Last time I rode on the back of a motorcycle, I held on tight to the driver. Not for safety. I held on so tight. Not for fear. I held on tight. He was mine. I reminisce. Close wasn't close enough. Adrenaline. Hold on to me. Deeply in love. Don't let me go. Don't let me go.

When words aren't enough.

When words can't express how I feel, I'm trapped. Every word, every sentence, is an attempt to free me from the place where I am stuck. My emotions twirl around inside and none of them escape. They mix together and become blurry.

This is how I am right now wishing that I could describe the feeling that crashes over me unexpectedly causing tears to instantly wash the smile and the hope off my face. It's not my heart sinking. It's not my stomach lurching. There's a level of weakness involved. Perhaps this is just the weakness I have, the inability to stop the tears. It's much stronger than any ocean wave I've felt. I can fill my lungs with air, but it doesn't seem like I'm truly breathing.

The best way I think I can say it is that I'm enveloped by a great loss, a great emptiness. Part of my being feels like it is missing. I'm not whole. Tears race down my cheeks. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, I sobbed today. No longer crying, "this isn't fair," "this hurts so much," or "no one should feel like this." I just sobbed. No thoughts. No complaints. Just sobs.

Earthquake v. Heartbreak

When the ground pulses and the world shakes,
Then I feel settled.
When the earth moves and the clouds laugh at the ground,
Then I am comforted.
When my house rattles and the china and wine glasses clatter,
Then I have peace.

When you stop loving me,
I fear for my life
When you say it's over,
I lose my breath,
When you say goodbye,
My world is shattered.

Next time the earth is quaking, I'll simply thank God that my heart isn't breaking.

I am who I am.

I'm also who I'm not.

Through completing items off my list, through not working any job yet, through losing my best friend, the man I've loved, to be a single 20-something, through enduring the in-between, I'm discovering myself more actively than I think I ever have. I'm learning who I am. I'm also confirming who I'm not.

I am not PERFECT.
I am not the funniest person you've ever met.
I am not the dullest person you've ever met.
I am not the most intelligent person you know.
I am not the least intelligent person you know.
I am not a fashion guru.
I am not a bookworm.
I am not extremely active.
I am not extremely lazy.
I am not complacent.
I am not satisfied.
I am not you.
I am not easily persuaded.
I am not a city girl.
I am not a huge girly girl.
I am not antisocial, nor am I excitingly outgoing.
I am not a finished product.
I am not a product at all. I cannot be bought or owned.
I am not afraid to make fun of myself.
I am not as afraid of cats as I used to be.


^^^This much, I know.

Heartache. Heartbreak.

My heart is angry.
While I sleep, it slithers from its place in my chest.
It attacks my stomach, the punching bag for my heart's rage.
I awake and my heart is tired; my stomach is beaten.
My soul is bruised. Nay, it is broken as my heart.
The shattered pieces of my heart, so many fragile pieces.
Some fade and die. Some pieces, like a puzzle, come back together,
but you can see the lines between: the jagged edges where i am scarred.
A thousand nails driven into my heart by his words,
21 shots fired through my chest by his actions.
One nail for every dream we would've built together,
a bullet for the memory of every month I loved him more than the last.

Dumped.

'Cause I thought him leavin' would stop my heart from beatin'
And gettin' over him would be my death
It hurts every night
When he dances through my mind
I still feel the sting of the loneliness
But it ain't killed me yet


lyrics from a song "aint killed me yet"

Shoot a gun. CHECK. [...and other ramblings.]

At a shooting range. Cool new experience with my mom.

I want to apologize right now that my energies have not been well directed towards creatively expressing myself in a blog recently. I got dumped. The man I love is my ex-boyfriend. I wish only to express myself in some manner so that the people who care about me who read this blog will have an update. In chronological order:

 

1. I planned to relocate temporarily (hopefully to turn permanently) to Massachusetts starting this week at my boyfriend's house, then a series of other friends' houses/apts/dorms until I was on my feet enough to get my own place or until I had to come home.
2. I got two interviews scheduled for today: one by phone and the other on location in Danvers, MA.
3. My boyfriend broke up with me on the phone.
4. I planned to still go to the interview in Danvers, but stay with another friend (a saving grace, obviously).
5. The potential employer in Danvers, MA, cancelled the interview because they decided to hire someone else.
6. I decided I wasn't going to exhaust myself by travelling for no good reason obviously because the interview was cancelled.

Now I am still at my parents' house, with no plans for the upcoming month of my life.
All of my ties are being loosed.

• no longer tied to a school program
• not tied to a job (never was)
• no longer tied to my boyfriend
• not tied to any particular geographic location
• and not even tied to my own expectations anymore

My life is a blank canvas. My future is scary. I will succeed.

one time

one time, i strained macaroni through a shirt.
one time, i went swimming in the ocean in my dress at 3 am.
one time, my best friend and i drew pictures of our poop for each other.

Go Fishing. CHECK

And catch a fish, I did.
A little fish. A very small one.

After an evening of fishing, dusk had forcefully arrived and declared that we would be returning to the dock very soon. As if to tell us that we were finished fishing and we could now retire not entirely unsuccessfully, two small fish bit: one on my dad's line and one on my own.

So we threw 'em on back and headed home. No keepers. I am not sad. It was worth my time.

This post is approximately 2 weeks late, but I decided it was overdue as I am anticipating an event tomorrow which will cause me to cross off ANOTHER item. I'll leave you in suspense now. ;)

Karaoke. CHECK.

In a special place called Ocean City, MD, my longest lasting Saving Grace yet took me to the boardwalk and to a nearly deserted bar with (you guessed it!) karaoke.

A lovely duo, we serenaded the 5 bartenders TWICE in *perfectly* executed duets.
Before He Cheats- Carrie Underwood.
Absolutely(Story of a Girl)- Nine Days.

I'd like to thank the bartender who gave me two drinks when I thought I only ordered one. I'd also like to thank the other bartender for making me a Coke'n'rum so strong that I asked for him to throw a lillll more Coke in there.
But seriously, more thanks to my saving grace for sharing her tab with me and singing some songs with me, even though we cleared the bar after our first song. So enjoyed meeting some new people this week and look forward to possibly seeing them again this summer. Love you girl!

(Sorry to the girl reading this and fuming at the fact that I was not easily enough persuaded to sing karaoke with you-- this snuck up on me. It wasn't my plan, I swear!! It just happened!)

Ya'll Can Have This Town

People do some weird things to cope with reality. Am I right?

I'm writing a good-bye letter as if I were actually preparing to leave. You may find this peculiar, no doubt, but don't we all need to get away sometimes, whether in spirit or in space?

Good bye, Hockessin. Eat my leftover Wawa. Tear up all the soccer fields I ever played on. Make more money. Become more enviable than Greenville, go ahead and try. The smell of mushroom farms' steaming cow manure will always remind me of you. Some days I will remember you sweetly as "Hockers," other days I will mock you and call you "The Village" or the unincorporated census-designated place (thanks wikipedia). Look at you now, you've got a "state of the art" athletic club. I worked there when it opened, ya know. Go to their website, you'll still find a picture of me working in the cafe window. Darling, wasn't I? Well, forget that. I'm done with you. Your young money is old news. I may never be able to afford real estate in 19707. I don't care. I wouldn't want to anyway. I won't get fake boobs and my children will never wear Ralph Lauren bathing suits. And I'm not sure you knew this, but Swift Park still sucks and low-lifes do drugs in there before and after dark. Oh well, at least it has got a set of old-fashioned swings. A date kissed me there once. I've eaten thousands of meals from you, Hockessin. Wawa, Two Cousins, Pat's, Cap's, Pulla's, Five Guys, Friendly's, Kim's Kafe -remember that time I threw up in that parking lot?,...oh and remember that time we had a McDonald's for a hot minute? I remember. Somehow such a forgettable place has given me so many memories. Oh by the way, I'm one of the ones who kept putting the cone on top of the dugout. Bye.

"Ya'll can have this town and what I don't grab on my way out."
(Luke Bryan lyrics)

A Gentleman

I have a handful of readers. My audience is primarily female. (Men: do not stop reading now.) I'm not the only one here walking this earth with something to say.

[In fact, there is someone out there who can probably speak my thoughts with greater humor, more wit, higher intellect, etc. As it turns out, authors of published books have stories to tell, too. This is what I have recognized on my way to becoming a reader. Now, I read books... Well, I read a book and now I have three more books stacked on the table in my room.]

Back to the part where I'm not the only one with lips to speak (or hands to type) my mind. Somehow you have made it here to read what I am writing to you. Yes, to YOU, my reader, my friend. So continue ladies, continue men, hear what I am saying. I dare you to argue with me.

Who is a gentleman? (Ladies- look for him, you won't find him everywhere you look. Men- become him if you can.)

• As defined by me: a decent man, mannerly and respectful, keen and aware of others and how he may suit their needs. A gentleman is honest and humble, acts with integrity. Integrity-this means doing what is right ALL the time, not just in the company of a female. This is a gentleman. A gentleman stands out among other men because he is always a gentleman. He is a gentle man. Being a gentleman is not an attitude, not a set of first date rules (ex: open the door, pull out her chair, etc.), not a performance. It is a class to which very few men belong.
• As defined by Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Whoever is open, loyal, true; of humane and affable demeanour; honourable himself, and in his judgement of others; faithful to his word as to law, and faithful alike to God and man....such a man is a true gentleman."

Read a book. CHECK

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime.

I read it in two days. Thanks to a sunny Thursday afternoon on my parents' deck and a long Friday bus ride from Philadelphia to Boston.

What should I read next? I've decided I like reading. Suggest a book for me.

Go camping. CHECK

I had an amazing anti-weekend (Tuesday-Thursday). It was like a weekend, but in the middle of the week. If you're not jealous yet, keep reading, you will be.

One of my saving graces and I camped two nights in southern Delaware in a campground on a pond in the site called "Island Site 1."
We assembled tents, built fires, cooked on a camp stove, made smores, told secrets, and enjoyed the outdoors and each others company.

For those of you looking for a good story, I think the moment has passed because I began this post over 2 weeks ago and the good stories have worn off. Ask me though!

By the way, I make a mean fire.

Things I did that should've been on my list:

• Spend day at beach. CHECK
• yesterday. with 3 great girls. rehoboth.
• Run around in a summer storm. CHECK
• 2 nights ago. hail. rain. with one of my saving graces. my house did NOT lose power.
• Get my hands dirty doing something useful. CHECK.
• this morning. planted flowers in garden. spread mulch. for my parents.

[Okay, seriously, hopefully next post will be an item off my list]

Happy Saturday

Friends,

Today I asked for advice from a strange person. I tried to play this little trick on myself and think like 17-year-old me. 17-year-old me was less mature, more confident, rougher around the edges (believe it or not), and probably more socially adjusted to my peers than current 21-year-old me.

I'm unfortunately under the impression that my boyfriend whom I love doesn't care much for me anymore. Not that he doesn't care what happens to me, but that he just doesn't like me so much at the moment. (scared of committing for the rest of his life, second guessing wanting to pursue forever with me, or maybe I'm just no fun anymore--just some speculation)

Men allegedly mature slower than women, right? So I figured 17-year-old me might have some insight on how someone with a 21-year-old male's maturity might want to be treated.

Younger me said:

1. Leave me alone.
2. I'll come to you.
3. Let me figure out what I want and then I'll get it for myself because I can do anything I want to do.
4. The whole world is in front of me, don't cramp my style.

Current me said:

1. Okay, I'm going to leave my boyfriend alone.
2. He'll come to me.
3. Whatever he wants to happen, he'll make it happen.
4. And if he wants me out of his way, then I'll get out of his way.

How am I applying this? I am trying SO HARD not to text him or call him unless he contacts me. I'm going to try not to be the one to initiate conversation about the next time we'll plan to see each other. (I'm always wondering what he's doing and how he is and I want to remind him I love him and I want to see him soon, but I'm trying to resist the urge to call/text him.)

[Next post: HOPEFULLY another item to check off my list]

I believe in the sand beneath my toes

Am I full of passion that leads to righteous anger? Or am I a loaded gun and looking for a fight?
Maybe somewhere in between. I believe there's right and there's wrong. And sometimes the wrong makes me so angry. The easiest way to make me angry in a hurry is to make a joke (or useless comment) in poor taste. Bring someone else down. Say something racist or assume a rude stereotype. Make a mockery of sexual intimacy. Insult the foundations on which someone else's beliefs rest.
And then I dare you to have the nerve to LAUGH at it, too.
(Actions speak louder than words? Okay, so what? Your words still matter. They matter a LOT.)
The words that escape your mouth come from the overflow of what is in your heart. I know I would normally do better to keep my mouth shut than allow the overflow of my heart to escape through my mouth, but isn't it worth it just to try only allowing the good to overflow?

Appropriate things to laugh at:

1. making a funny face
2. making fun of your own bad hair day
3. dance moves that make no sense (think Kevin James in Hitch)
4. the muffin jokes (so two muffins are in the oven...)

A Weak Attempt at Summing Up the Recent Happenings
The Good

• I've arrived safely back in DE.
• I had a spectacular weekend. Friday night: beautiful drinks with beautiful friends. Saturday: hiked a mountain in perfect weather. Sunday: great concert.
• I learned how to open a bottle without a bottle opener.
• I was blessed to see my boyfriend, hug my boyfriend, kiss my boyfriend, and tell him I love him.
• I went to the beach in MA this morning and got just a tiny bit of sun.
• I have plans for tomorrow and Friday. Good plans, real plans, with great people.

The Bad

• I still have no job.
• I spent more than 4 tanks of gasoline over the course of my extended weekend.
• Still no news from the job in DC. (Is this good, bad, or ugly? IDK, it seems negative to me so far.)

The Ugly

• I cut my finger trying to open a bottle with a house key.
• My boyfriend's knee is injured (that is why he is not currently hiking).
• My life appears to be recklessly taking sharp, jagged turns at rapid speeds. What is ahead around these curves I can never foresee.
• Blister on right foot from running sneaker is not yet completely gone.

Hike a Mountain. CHECK.

Yesterday I hiked Chocorua with one of my saving graces and her dad and sister. I believe it was about 4.3 miles from the parking lot to the top. And we made it all the way to the top to be ambushed by our own fears of height and massive mutant bees. We rewarded ourselves with one well deserved high-five. Then we headed back down.

Last night as the intense pain set in, I hoped the Lord would take me in my sleep, knowing full well that He wouldn't and that I would be close to okay in the morning. Here I am, the morning after telling you that I'm okay.

I also swam (read: sat) in lake Chocorua after our hike. It was almost as lovely as the view from the top of Chocorua as the cool water soothed my aching legs and the sun, starting to lower in the sky, warmed my face.

conversation?

Today after my interview I called Brett knowing I wouldn't get to speak with him, but at least I'd hear his voice on his voicemail. I left a message saying "Hey Brett, I just left from my interview at the place in New Hampshire. I miss you. I love you. Bye."

Tonight the following flowed into my inbox:
Brett (5:52 pm): I love you. I am coming home.
Brett (5:53 pm): Sunday night I'll be there.

Travelling

Location: MA

This morning, I woke up in Delaware. Tonight, I'll go to sleep in Massachusetts. Assuming the sun rises again tomorrow, I'll interview for a job in New Hampshire at 10:00 am. (Let's hope all goes well!)

Car rides bring out the worst in everyone, right? Or do they just bring out whatever is hiding on the inside?

6.5 hours alone in my mom's car, burning fuel up the same route I've traveled so many times since I started school in MA, I found out that anger dissolves. Fiery passionate anger from an enraged 21 year old girl (young lady?) dissolves. What does it take? Just a few tears every 50 miles or so does a good amount of damage. Perhaps after my return car ride, I'll be able to tell you what's been hiding underneath the anger. Any guesses? I don't know. Maybe pain, maybe fear, maybe doubt, or self esteem issues... How could any of those have gotten inside of me?

There's no such thing as what might've been... that's a waste of your time.

What might've been:
I'd have a job. I'd have a place to live (not my parents' house, which is a lovely place for a short stay). I'd have a fiance and a ring on that special finger.

What is:
I have no job, but I have an interview. I'm at my parents' house for now. I have an absentee boyfriend.

What if he comes to his senses while he's out there finding himself? What if he finds himself not so enchanted by me? Suddenly, he might think clearly and realize I haven't been what he wants these past few months. (I suppose he's not been exactly what I want either. I'm partial to the man who isn't absentee.) I fear he's not in love with me anymore. And if he's not in love with me and he's not willing to go the distance for me and make sacrifices for our relationship, what can I really do? (just buy some kleenex and ben & jerry's, right? - I hope that's not what it comes down to.)

I miss him already.

REALLY, Jules, you miss him already??
         Yeah, I guess I do even though I kept saying it would take a while for me to miss him. I said, I can't miss him until he's gone. Now he's gone and I miss everything about him. I'd rather be with him and fighting than without him not knowing the next time I'll hear from him.

It was a dark and stormy night...

My love, the man I'd like to spend forever with was hiking the Appalachian Trail while I was waiting for him. I missed him dearly. I was daily forgiving him for leaving me alone, leaving me in a way that made me feel abandoned. Communication was limited. I sent him texts that he never received. I wrote him letters and somehow, eventually, he received them. These messages and attempts at communication were to reassure him how dedicated I am to him and how much I love and miss him. One day I got a letter from him after a period of time without any communication. The message of the letter was that he was ending our relationship. He did not see it going any further. A letter. He wrote it down on a piece of paper, folded that piece of paper, and sent it to me in the mail.

It was a dream. An awful dream. I woke up sweating and crying. Thank goodness that was just a dream!

Unfortunately, he's still gone. Today, my boyfriend started the 6 month, 1 week long journey known as through-hiking the Appalachian Trail. I don't know the next time I will hear from him. THAT SUCKS. It could be tomorrow, it could be in ten days, or it could be in three weeks. What's a girl to do? Where will I be in three weeks? I have three guesses: New Hampshire, Washington DC, or my current location at my parents' house. Today, I was interviewed by phone for a job in DC. Friday, I will interview for a job in New Hampshire. I'd love to tell my boyfriend how my interview went today, but I can't. I'd love to hear my boyfriend tell me that he's sure I did well and I'll do well on Friday, too, but I can't. I'd love to take time with him to relax and get an ice cream or a few drinks, but I CAN'T. He's gone and not to be reached by phone or email. He believes this is his once-in-a-lifetime dream opportunity, he'll surely have stories to tell, but don't worry I will too. This is where my blog comes in...

I have created a list of items to complete while my boyfriend is busy finding himself in the woods. I am not ready to disclose this list, but I am excited for any suggested additions to this list. For the most part, I'm looking for inexpensive activities that show accomplishment, may be out of the ordinary, or will lead to a good story. Every time I complete an activity, I will describe it here on my blog (hopefully pictures to accompany the stories) as promised to at least a few of my saving graces. Scattered in between those entries, expect reflections on my activity, my boyfriend's activity, and our relationship (o joy!).

I graduated. Now the learning really starts.

"Now what?"

To my pleasant surprise, I've been ambushed less frequently than I anticipated with the horrible words, "So do you have a job yet?"
...Do i even have to answer that?
I'll answer it anyway: no I don't have a job yet, but I have two interviews this week and between now and the time I get a job, my mom's advice is to not drink more beer than I can buy. Good advice, mom.

"So what do you do with your time?"
I run. I watch Law & Order SVU. I eat goldfish and sit in the sun on my parents' deck with the beer that I still have money to buy. I hang out with my mom and dad and have dinner with them. When I try to go out at night with an old friend from highschool, I call my daddy ("daddy" is the appropriate name used when I want something from him) to rescue me from the less than thrilling bar scene and uncertain long walk alone back to my car. I wallow. I sleep. I run. But on the best occasions so far (I've only been out of school one week), I've shared food, drinks, tears, and laughter with Kaitlyn, one of my "saving graces" - from now on, I think that's what I'll call my best ladies.

My saving graces:

• The one I've known forever, we've shared the good, the bad, and the ugly.
• The sweet one- the one who makes me think differently and see things from another angle.
• The one who can live with me (that says A LOT).
• The one I cuddle with. (I'm not talking about my boyfriend)
• The one I don't always see or talk to, but she's totally there for me and I'll see her this summer! 
• The new one. The one who gave me toilet paper and tissues, the one who cried with me.

I'm the one who got lucky enough to have those ones in my life^^^


[next post: what a girl like ME is doing writing a blog]