Things I did that should've been on my list:

• Spend day at beach. CHECK
• yesterday. with 3 great girls. rehoboth.
• Run around in a summer storm. CHECK
• 2 nights ago. hail. rain. with one of my saving graces. my house did NOT lose power.
• Get my hands dirty doing something useful. CHECK.
• this morning. planted flowers in garden. spread mulch. for my parents.

[Okay, seriously, hopefully next post will be an item off my list]

Happy Saturday

Friends,

Today I asked for advice from a strange person. I tried to play this little trick on myself and think like 17-year-old me. 17-year-old me was less mature, more confident, rougher around the edges (believe it or not), and probably more socially adjusted to my peers than current 21-year-old me.

I'm unfortunately under the impression that my boyfriend whom I love doesn't care much for me anymore. Not that he doesn't care what happens to me, but that he just doesn't like me so much at the moment. (scared of committing for the rest of his life, second guessing wanting to pursue forever with me, or maybe I'm just no fun anymore--just some speculation)

Men allegedly mature slower than women, right? So I figured 17-year-old me might have some insight on how someone with a 21-year-old male's maturity might want to be treated.

Younger me said:

1. Leave me alone.
2. I'll come to you.
3. Let me figure out what I want and then I'll get it for myself because I can do anything I want to do.
4. The whole world is in front of me, don't cramp my style.

Current me said:

1. Okay, I'm going to leave my boyfriend alone.
2. He'll come to me.
3. Whatever he wants to happen, he'll make it happen.
4. And if he wants me out of his way, then I'll get out of his way.

How am I applying this? I am trying SO HARD not to text him or call him unless he contacts me. I'm going to try not to be the one to initiate conversation about the next time we'll plan to see each other. (I'm always wondering what he's doing and how he is and I want to remind him I love him and I want to see him soon, but I'm trying to resist the urge to call/text him.)

[Next post: HOPEFULLY another item to check off my list]

I believe in the sand beneath my toes

Am I full of passion that leads to righteous anger? Or am I a loaded gun and looking for a fight?
Maybe somewhere in between. I believe there's right and there's wrong. And sometimes the wrong makes me so angry. The easiest way to make me angry in a hurry is to make a joke (or useless comment) in poor taste. Bring someone else down. Say something racist or assume a rude stereotype. Make a mockery of sexual intimacy. Insult the foundations on which someone else's beliefs rest.
And then I dare you to have the nerve to LAUGH at it, too.
(Actions speak louder than words? Okay, so what? Your words still matter. They matter a LOT.)
The words that escape your mouth come from the overflow of what is in your heart. I know I would normally do better to keep my mouth shut than allow the overflow of my heart to escape through my mouth, but isn't it worth it just to try only allowing the good to overflow?

Appropriate things to laugh at:

1. making a funny face
2. making fun of your own bad hair day
3. dance moves that make no sense (think Kevin James in Hitch)
4. the muffin jokes (so two muffins are in the oven...)

A Weak Attempt at Summing Up the Recent Happenings
The Good

• I've arrived safely back in DE.
• I had a spectacular weekend. Friday night: beautiful drinks with beautiful friends. Saturday: hiked a mountain in perfect weather. Sunday: great concert.
• I learned how to open a bottle without a bottle opener.
• I was blessed to see my boyfriend, hug my boyfriend, kiss my boyfriend, and tell him I love him.
• I went to the beach in MA this morning and got just a tiny bit of sun.
• I have plans for tomorrow and Friday. Good plans, real plans, with great people.

The Bad

• I still have no job.
• I spent more than 4 tanks of gasoline over the course of my extended weekend.
• Still no news from the job in DC. (Is this good, bad, or ugly? IDK, it seems negative to me so far.)

The Ugly

• I cut my finger trying to open a bottle with a house key.
• My boyfriend's knee is injured (that is why he is not currently hiking).
• My life appears to be recklessly taking sharp, jagged turns at rapid speeds. What is ahead around these curves I can never foresee.
• Blister on right foot from running sneaker is not yet completely gone.

Hike a Mountain. CHECK.

Yesterday I hiked Chocorua with one of my saving graces and her dad and sister. I believe it was about 4.3 miles from the parking lot to the top. And we made it all the way to the top to be ambushed by our own fears of height and massive mutant bees. We rewarded ourselves with one well deserved high-five. Then we headed back down.

Last night as the intense pain set in, I hoped the Lord would take me in my sleep, knowing full well that He wouldn't and that I would be close to okay in the morning. Here I am, the morning after telling you that I'm okay.

I also swam (read: sat) in lake Chocorua after our hike. It was almost as lovely as the view from the top of Chocorua as the cool water soothed my aching legs and the sun, starting to lower in the sky, warmed my face.

conversation?

Today after my interview I called Brett knowing I wouldn't get to speak with him, but at least I'd hear his voice on his voicemail. I left a message saying "Hey Brett, I just left from my interview at the place in New Hampshire. I miss you. I love you. Bye."

Tonight the following flowed into my inbox:
Brett (5:52 pm): I love you. I am coming home.
Brett (5:53 pm): Sunday night I'll be there.

Travelling

Location: MA

This morning, I woke up in Delaware. Tonight, I'll go to sleep in Massachusetts. Assuming the sun rises again tomorrow, I'll interview for a job in New Hampshire at 10:00 am. (Let's hope all goes well!)

Car rides bring out the worst in everyone, right? Or do they just bring out whatever is hiding on the inside?

6.5 hours alone in my mom's car, burning fuel up the same route I've traveled so many times since I started school in MA, I found out that anger dissolves. Fiery passionate anger from an enraged 21 year old girl (young lady?) dissolves. What does it take? Just a few tears every 50 miles or so does a good amount of damage. Perhaps after my return car ride, I'll be able to tell you what's been hiding underneath the anger. Any guesses? I don't know. Maybe pain, maybe fear, maybe doubt, or self esteem issues... How could any of those have gotten inside of me?

There's no such thing as what might've been... that's a waste of your time.

What might've been:
I'd have a job. I'd have a place to live (not my parents' house, which is a lovely place for a short stay). I'd have a fiance and a ring on that special finger.

What is:
I have no job, but I have an interview. I'm at my parents' house for now. I have an absentee boyfriend.

What if he comes to his senses while he's out there finding himself? What if he finds himself not so enchanted by me? Suddenly, he might think clearly and realize I haven't been what he wants these past few months. (I suppose he's not been exactly what I want either. I'm partial to the man who isn't absentee.) I fear he's not in love with me anymore. And if he's not in love with me and he's not willing to go the distance for me and make sacrifices for our relationship, what can I really do? (just buy some kleenex and ben & jerry's, right? - I hope that's not what it comes down to.)

I miss him already.

REALLY, Jules, you miss him already??
         Yeah, I guess I do even though I kept saying it would take a while for me to miss him. I said, I can't miss him until he's gone. Now he's gone and I miss everything about him. I'd rather be with him and fighting than without him not knowing the next time I'll hear from him.

It was a dark and stormy night...

My love, the man I'd like to spend forever with was hiking the Appalachian Trail while I was waiting for him. I missed him dearly. I was daily forgiving him for leaving me alone, leaving me in a way that made me feel abandoned. Communication was limited. I sent him texts that he never received. I wrote him letters and somehow, eventually, he received them. These messages and attempts at communication were to reassure him how dedicated I am to him and how much I love and miss him. One day I got a letter from him after a period of time without any communication. The message of the letter was that he was ending our relationship. He did not see it going any further. A letter. He wrote it down on a piece of paper, folded that piece of paper, and sent it to me in the mail.

It was a dream. An awful dream. I woke up sweating and crying. Thank goodness that was just a dream!

Unfortunately, he's still gone. Today, my boyfriend started the 6 month, 1 week long journey known as through-hiking the Appalachian Trail. I don't know the next time I will hear from him. THAT SUCKS. It could be tomorrow, it could be in ten days, or it could be in three weeks. What's a girl to do? Where will I be in three weeks? I have three guesses: New Hampshire, Washington DC, or my current location at my parents' house. Today, I was interviewed by phone for a job in DC. Friday, I will interview for a job in New Hampshire. I'd love to tell my boyfriend how my interview went today, but I can't. I'd love to hear my boyfriend tell me that he's sure I did well and I'll do well on Friday, too, but I can't. I'd love to take time with him to relax and get an ice cream or a few drinks, but I CAN'T. He's gone and not to be reached by phone or email. He believes this is his once-in-a-lifetime dream opportunity, he'll surely have stories to tell, but don't worry I will too. This is where my blog comes in...

I have created a list of items to complete while my boyfriend is busy finding himself in the woods. I am not ready to disclose this list, but I am excited for any suggested additions to this list. For the most part, I'm looking for inexpensive activities that show accomplishment, may be out of the ordinary, or will lead to a good story. Every time I complete an activity, I will describe it here on my blog (hopefully pictures to accompany the stories) as promised to at least a few of my saving graces. Scattered in between those entries, expect reflections on my activity, my boyfriend's activity, and our relationship (o joy!).