When words aren't enough.

When words can't express how I feel, I'm trapped. Every word, every sentence, is an attempt to free me from the place where I am stuck. My emotions twirl around inside and none of them escape. They mix together and become blurry.

This is how I am right now wishing that I could describe the feeling that crashes over me unexpectedly causing tears to instantly wash the smile and the hope off my face. It's not my heart sinking. It's not my stomach lurching. There's a level of weakness involved. Perhaps this is just the weakness I have, the inability to stop the tears. It's much stronger than any ocean wave I've felt. I can fill my lungs with air, but it doesn't seem like I'm truly breathing.

The best way I think I can say it is that I'm enveloped by a great loss, a great emptiness. Part of my being feels like it is missing. I'm not whole. Tears race down my cheeks. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, I sobbed today. No longer crying, "this isn't fair," "this hurts so much," or "no one should feel like this." I just sobbed. No thoughts. No complaints. Just sobs.

Earthquake v. Heartbreak

When the ground pulses and the world shakes,
Then I feel settled.
When the earth moves and the clouds laugh at the ground,
Then I am comforted.
When my house rattles and the china and wine glasses clatter,
Then I have peace.

When you stop loving me,
I fear for my life
When you say it's over,
I lose my breath,
When you say goodbye,
My world is shattered.

Next time the earth is quaking, I'll simply thank God that my heart isn't breaking.

I am who I am.

I'm also who I'm not.

Through completing items off my list, through not working any job yet, through losing my best friend, the man I've loved, to be a single 20-something, through enduring the in-between, I'm discovering myself more actively than I think I ever have. I'm learning who I am. I'm also confirming who I'm not.

I am not PERFECT.
I am not the funniest person you've ever met.
I am not the dullest person you've ever met.
I am not the most intelligent person you know.
I am not the least intelligent person you know.
I am not a fashion guru.
I am not a bookworm.
I am not extremely active.
I am not extremely lazy.
I am not complacent.
I am not satisfied.
I am not you.
I am not easily persuaded.
I am not a city girl.
I am not a huge girly girl.
I am not antisocial, nor am I excitingly outgoing.
I am not a finished product.
I am not a product at all. I cannot be bought or owned.
I am not afraid to make fun of myself.
I am not as afraid of cats as I used to be.


^^^This much, I know.

Heartache. Heartbreak.

My heart is angry.
While I sleep, it slithers from its place in my chest.
It attacks my stomach, the punching bag for my heart's rage.
I awake and my heart is tired; my stomach is beaten.
My soul is bruised. Nay, it is broken as my heart.
The shattered pieces of my heart, so many fragile pieces.
Some fade and die. Some pieces, like a puzzle, come back together,
but you can see the lines between: the jagged edges where i am scarred.
A thousand nails driven into my heart by his words,
21 shots fired through my chest by his actions.
One nail for every dream we would've built together,
a bullet for the memory of every month I loved him more than the last.

Dumped.

'Cause I thought him leavin' would stop my heart from beatin'
And gettin' over him would be my death
It hurts every night
When he dances through my mind
I still feel the sting of the loneliness
But it ain't killed me yet


lyrics from a song "aint killed me yet"

Shoot a gun. CHECK. [...and other ramblings.]

At a shooting range. Cool new experience with my mom.

I want to apologize right now that my energies have not been well directed towards creatively expressing myself in a blog recently. I got dumped. The man I love is my ex-boyfriend. I wish only to express myself in some manner so that the people who care about me who read this blog will have an update. In chronological order:

 

1. I planned to relocate temporarily (hopefully to turn permanently) to Massachusetts starting this week at my boyfriend's house, then a series of other friends' houses/apts/dorms until I was on my feet enough to get my own place or until I had to come home.
2. I got two interviews scheduled for today: one by phone and the other on location in Danvers, MA.
3. My boyfriend broke up with me on the phone.
4. I planned to still go to the interview in Danvers, but stay with another friend (a saving grace, obviously).
5. The potential employer in Danvers, MA, cancelled the interview because they decided to hire someone else.
6. I decided I wasn't going to exhaust myself by travelling for no good reason obviously because the interview was cancelled.

Now I am still at my parents' house, with no plans for the upcoming month of my life.
All of my ties are being loosed.

• no longer tied to a school program
• not tied to a job (never was)
• no longer tied to my boyfriend
• not tied to any particular geographic location
• and not even tied to my own expectations anymore

My life is a blank canvas. My future is scary. I will succeed.

one time

one time, i strained macaroni through a shirt.
one time, i went swimming in the ocean in my dress at 3 am.
one time, my best friend and i drew pictures of our poop for each other.

Go Fishing. CHECK

And catch a fish, I did.
A little fish. A very small one.

After an evening of fishing, dusk had forcefully arrived and declared that we would be returning to the dock very soon. As if to tell us that we were finished fishing and we could now retire not entirely unsuccessfully, two small fish bit: one on my dad's line and one on my own.

So we threw 'em on back and headed home. No keepers. I am not sad. It was worth my time.

This post is approximately 2 weeks late, but I decided it was overdue as I am anticipating an event tomorrow which will cause me to cross off ANOTHER item. I'll leave you in suspense now. ;)