When words can't express how I feel, I'm trapped. Every word, every sentence, is an attempt to free me from the place where I am stuck. My emotions twirl around inside and none of them escape. They mix together and become blurry.
This is how I am right now wishing that I could describe the feeling that crashes over me unexpectedly causing tears to instantly wash the smile and the hope off my face. It's not my heart sinking. It's not my stomach lurching. There's a level of weakness involved. Perhaps this is just the weakness I have, the inability to stop the tears. It's much stronger than any ocean wave I've felt. I can fill my lungs with air, but it doesn't seem like I'm truly breathing.
The best way I think I can say it is that I'm enveloped by a great loss, a great emptiness. Part of my being feels like it is missing. I'm not whole. Tears race down my cheeks. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, I sobbed today. No longer crying, "this isn't fair," "this hurts so much," or "no one should feel like this." I just sobbed. No thoughts. No complaints. Just sobs.
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